Yesterday was the first day I really
had a chance to take a breather and make an assessment of where
exactly I was in handling my responsibilities at home, since our
lives got a bit hectic last month.
A quick recap...my grandfather was in a
health decline and eventually passed away. It was not even a week
later that my mother got very sick and ended up in the emergency
room. 20 days later, she was discharged after suffering a terrible
bloodstream infection, severe pain from having pleurisy and surviving
major heart surgery. It's only been three days since she was released
and now all of us are just getting back to our lives, still trying to
recuperate from the stresses of the past month and finding a new
normal.
So yesterday I came to my computer to
pay my bills and when the screen came up, the eulogy my son wrote for
my grandfather's funeral was still up on the screen. He was making
some revisions to it before we left for the funeral, a few weeks ago,
and I hadn't touched my computer since. I figured that something had
to be done to bring some freshness into our lives here at home. To
make movement. To go forward. As always, one of the most enjoyable
things I get to do with my life, among other things, is work on this
blog and do my family history research – so I decided that this is
what would help me to become “unstuck”.
When my grandmother passed away, two
years ago, it was a year after my grandfathers massive stroke.
Although he eventually regained some of his strength, he had been in
such bad shape after his stroke that it would've made more sense for
him to go first. My grandmothers passing came like a thief in the
night, and where all of us had already cracked from the stresses of
the previous year, the pain of her death further broke us down into
tiny little pieces. As for me, although I despise being typical, I
admit that it took a long time to cycle through all of the five
stages of grief and I lingered, a great while, in some longer than
others.
My grandparents were so deeply, so
completely and so utterly in love. They could never stand to be
apart. When together, they were constantly holding hands, reminiscing
about how they met or taking naps together in their recliner. These
two years, since my grandmother passed, it was so hard to see my
grandfather there alone, without his babe (which is what he called
her). Now that I have some time to refocus and get back on track with
things, I can't help feeling like something is missing in my life. I
thought that maybe it was because my grandfather was now gone or that
maybe because my mothers life will never be the same after having
heart surgery – but I realized that what is missing is that cloud
of sadness I had, from knowing my grandparents were apart and there
was nothing anyone could do about it. This cloud consumed me for the
better part of the past two years. It's strange to realize just how
much sadness becomes a part of you, how it sticks to you, surrounds
you and in some ways comforts and protects you. It's also a very
strange physical sensation when you notice that its gone. I am amazed
by the lightness that exists where there used to be such a heavy
oppression bearing down on me.
We had a 3 day vigil at my grandfathers
bedside before he passed and it was when everyone left to eat that he
began to transition. Luckily, there were still some family members
that stayed in the room with him and when they saw he was starting to
go, my sister said to him, “Go find grandma” and he lifted his
head and his face lit up into a huge smile and a few moments later he
was gone. Knowing that his “babe” was there to greet him on the
other side, made this incredible loss a bit more bearable.
I think I spent so much time lingering
in my grief, after my grandmother passed, that I have no need for it
this time around. This blog was birthed out of my grief and sometimes
it was so difficult to work on because of that – I wasn't ready to
share the one thing that was bringing me the most comfort because I
still needed it, I still relied on it. It was only today that I sent
a link to this website with my own sister.
Somehow, in all the hecticness, I was
able to gather some things to share at my grandfathers Rosary. I had
spent many hours interviewing my grandfather on his experience being
a Prisoner of War in Pomerania during World War II. I have books,
newspaper clippings, his Army Air Corps and German Prison Camp dogs
tags, and other relics, that I put on display at his Rosary. I also
typed up a brief history for others to read. My grandfather had
earned a Purple Heart from his injuries during World War II, the
plane he served as a tail gunner on (a B17 Flying Fortress) was shot
down, he was captured and imprisoned by the Germans for 8 months and
spent 86 grueling days on the 600 mile Death March – but some
family members, that had known my grandfather for over 40 years,
never knew these things about him. He didn't want to talk about these
experiences for decades, before he was willing to share them with me.
I always felt grateful to have that time with my grandparents, when
I'd sit there having coffee with them and interview them after our
usual breakfast of my grandma's most heavenly cheese-covered
potatoes. Now I see the magnitude of that wonderful gift they both
gave me, of sharing so much with me. It motivates me to commit more
time to this blog, to actually share it with my friends and family
members, and continue digging away at the research.
I neglected this blog so much this past
year and many times, when I was asked if I was going to continue
working on it, I would make quick inconsequential posts to bide my
time until I felt more focused and devoted to the time it takes to
organize information and type things out. Now that I have a lightness
and a sense of “something missing”, I have this positive and
enjoyable hobby to replace it with, so I'll be seeing you here more
often.
I hope you're ready for the holidays
because they're a-comin'! I'm definitely looking forward to this
holiday season and to making more memories with the people I love.
Happy researching!
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